Even in my own language, I have often felt misunderstood.
I have been thinking a lot about language as I move through my AOL's. My parents are English speaking as am I, my Mom is a writer from Toronto, my Dad is a mechanic from Glasgow. Growing up I used words that my friends didn't quite understand (as my Dad had some influence on our Canadian-Scottish verbiage); "Hen" wasn't just a bird, it's a "Bum Bag" never a fanny-pack, and my "Tea" was more than a cup of Tetley. I haven't ever reflected on this, it was always just something that my family did that was "different". I was always described as "full on", "too much", "extreme", "big personality", or a "strong young girl". I knew I was "a lot" and I ran with it. As a dancer I was too muscular, as a fitness trainer I wasn't muscular enough. As a dance teacher I am "too chill", as a yoga teacher I am "pretty fire-y". I studied Sport in University and my cohort was all very masculine, nice people but we were all jocks, most who played Hockey or Rugby. I was "the dancer". I was the only one in my class who didn't belong to a "Sport", as I was told often that dance just wasn't a sport. In the dance world I was too "sporty". As a human I am "competitive" but as a competition teacher I am "not competitive enough". And so here I am...landing in the MAPP with a whole lot of descriptors of what makes me me, but none of which I have actually said myself.
Language.
So now as I reflect upon my practice, my question is not so much about my practice but more so "why" is it "my" practice? I am a rejection of all the things I was told I am not, and all of the things I was told that I am. So where does that leave me and my practice? My practice is a balance of sport, artistry, yoga principles, moments of soft intuitive movement in the dark, moments of techno and screaming, and everything in between. I am student and a teacher. A performer and a choreographer. An employee and an owner. I am all the in between. I don't feel like an imposter in any of those areas, but perhaps it is those words that have been spoken to me time and time again that have left me floating in the middle, and have left my practice a quilt of various frameworks that have been highlighted, crossed out, bold and italicized, and deleted.
As I wait for the feedback from my first AOL I can feel myself sitting in the "uh-oh was I..."
" Was I completely off the mark?"
"Are my topics even valid?"
"Am I Arts based enough?"
"Did I use my own reflection enough or too much?"
"Are all my AOL's different enough if there is so much overlap?"
"Who am I to have an opinion on my own practice" (yes I know, but I actually thought that!)
"Am I Somatic Studies or Pedagogy or Performance?"
"Is there enough of any of those to validate who I am and what my practice is?"
"Do you think they've noticed I slipped into the program?"
So if you are reading this and you have any of those thoughts too, come join me in my pool of uncertainty, it's a wild place. It can be a scorcher, or ice bath, but at least it's mine :)
Photo: Dyana Sonik-Henderson. Work: 1,000 pieces of pi
Dancer: Me (Caleigh Hunter)
I am joining you in the pool of uncertainty!! Goodness, I relate to so much of what you are saying here. All my life I have felt a similar conflict. From being told I was 'not academic' as a child and always a 'classical dancer' in training. To then being told I was 'too academic' as a professional dancer and that I 'think too much'. 'Too modern' as a dancer to some people then 'too classical' to someone else. 'Too sensitive'...'Not tough enough' for some people yet is it that sensitivity which makes me the dancer I am? At the end of the day, it is so hard I find, to strip all that away and define yourself and work, not as who others think you are or who they think you should be, but to really get in touch with that core essence of self. Such a great post.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, I think it is a common experience!
DeleteCael. Thank you for sharing. Your words resonate with my experience of trying to identify myself. After years of attempts to fit in a given framework, I concluded that it is not possible and not necessary. I can just highlight one side or edge for the particular environment. And probably I would be seen as an artist in the context of dance or as a dancer in the context of art. But this segregation of identity is superficial. It doesn't require me to dissect myself.
ReplyDeleteYes absolutely!
DeleteI loved that you mentioned language. A huge point for my 1st AOL. I read something yesterday that echoed your text. Its said that as dancers, we trained in "not doing" the wrong thing. Like, "not putting your hand like this, not using your feet like this" etc. Like we're taught about the things to avoid doing / imitating. Not sure what to do with this thought. It made me think about what you said once during a zoom session about eating/drinking in front of your students to show them they are allowed. mmh. Legitimacy is a huge thing for so many of us. Funnily enough - I now feel legitimate in the dance world. And I did not follow the usual path, did not go to dance school (did 1 year at LCDS in London after having completer a BA in 2 other topis) etc. BUT. My experience has now taken over my training. "My" life practice has given me legitimacy. Like your life practice / experiences is proving you are everything, but an imposter. My mojo this past few months: Fuck the imposter feeling*. Happily sharing it with you :) <3
ReplyDelete* this mojo does not invalidate the feeling huh! I totally get it. And I hate it. Hence the mojo x
Oh my gosh yes! It is so interesting that as dancers we are taught the negative examples in order to achieve the correct one. I resonate with that so much. I will be adapting your motto! Thank you for sharing.
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