This past week I had my reflective essay feedback session and review. It was so interesting hearing what Helen had to say in comparison to my questions.
Written on my sheet were:
* Is my tone academic or juvenile? How to write "I" without sounding like "Gossip Girl xoxo"?
* Struggling to separate Somatics- any ideas?
* My practice is all three streams- how do I pull this to one if that is not reflective of my practice?
Before I read these my feedback was given, and this is what I wrote down from Helen's conversation:
* The use of I is imperative, it is after all from your perspective, so the writing matches what has been asked
* I am in a Somatics focused MA so I need to pull together my HOW rather than comparing my experience or agreeing to literature, explain more about your feelings or sensation in relationship to these theories.
* I am focusing too much on separation, these are not so much 3 different avenues or different hats that I am putting on, they are all coming from an embodied approach to my practice. Explain how these are all actually somatic rather than placing emphasis on certain areas and not on the whole holistic model.
Looking at what was said vs what I was about to ask was a light bulb moment for me. I have been working so hard to not enter the pedagogy or performance areas too much as to steal light away from somatic studies that in essence I had done the exact opposite of my intention. Rather than voicing the blend of who I am and what my practice is, I had instead pulled apart each section to be it's own entity. This was very significant for me as I realized that I do indeed put on a new hat for each area of my practice. I literally change my shoes from tap to bare feet or change my shirt to read the studio or company name I am about to walk into. And as I pull from these different areas of who I am I am perhaps neglecting other areas. Yes one shines through more based on my environment but Helen has me asking myself, perhaps without knowing she has, am I discounting certain areas of myself or my practice for the praise in that area/ my pay cheque from that group / the external expectation of others? That's a lot.
Within my feedback the question of "how does that make you feel?" came up a lot. What I have realized is that no one really asks me that. I am just doing my job or completing that task for that boss/director/leader. The product of what I do or who I am is what most interests those areas/people in my work, or so I believe or tell myself.
A lot of cups of tea will be consumed in the next week as I sit on reflection upon reflection...are my many hats actually just one hat? What does that hat actually look like? And most importantly how does that hat make me feel?
Company: Broken Rhythms Victoria
Show: 1000 pieces of Pi.
Cael :)
ReplyDeleteFirst of all: I loved watching you strech / warm up yesterday night!! I wanted to join you and move!! I loved imagining life and movement on the other side of the world!! Where in Canada are you again?
Then... your post. Yes. Ah. Wearing a lot of hats, does it mean we need to get rid of all of them when one is more needed/requested than the others? I used to see / feel myself 'fragmented'. In the end, I really believe that people who collaborate with you (with any of your hats!!) collaborate / are interested, attracted to you for the whole of you. Your wholeness. Sometimes we bring one hat more forward than the others, just like an emotion maybe. One thing this MA is getting me to understand is that vastness of our skills. Do I make sense? I'm not sure ahahah I'm super tired and have a house full of chickenpox BUT I relate deeply. To the imposteur syndrome, to the so many hats we put on... It is about feeling full dont you think? Full of ourselves - and I know in english that sounds like 'pretention', I really mean: you are filling yourself with yourself. You are the sum of your experiences, of your hat(s). x
Thank you Lea - yes I completely understand what you mean. "filling yourself with yourself" is the perfect way to say it :) Thank you!
DeleteSo many fascinating concepts here. This idea of neglecting certain aspects of yourself when putting on one hat in order to please the employer or sometimes it even feels like it is just essential to survive in certain environments is one I grapple with a lot too. I feel that for most of us who work in different contexts this is to some extent expected. Yet I strive for this full integration of self where I feel whole in each context that I work. Are we asking too much to think this is possible to achieve? Or are we holding ourselves back by fragmenting ourselves? So interesting. :)
ReplyDeleteYes! It is a conversation I have been having with myself in so many different ways. I think another aspect that is interesting is the performer in us, and how that does or does not play into a performative role... hmm... many things to think about!
DeleteThis was so good to read :) It made me realise I feel I haven't considered the larger implications of the fact we're on different courses - I guess potentially we haven't seen so much need for this yet. But sometimes I feel like we're all on the same course and there's only a very decorative difference. However, watching the module three presentations I really saw how, in the artefacts for instance, for those that had produced dance films - I experienced them differently dependent on what research they were presented alongside. And of course it also just reflects against those of us who have a practice directly concerned with producing artefacts (that could exist digitally in around 10 minutes) and those who don't. Sorry if this doesn't feel relevant - but I feel like I have some questions around how different the expectation really is...
ReplyDeleteMatthew, yes I agree completely. I think that was one of the hardest parts for me to wrap my head around... how is it different and how does that play into the research or way we approach the work. For me I am coming in as a teacher and business owner and performer and feel that these are all done in a somatic way, and this have been what I have mainly been reflecting on :)
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